several things that absolutely DID NOT happen this week

1) Less than 24 hours after I had decided that obsessing about clothing and beauty products was taking up too much of my time, I absolutely was not taking time out of my day, the one reserved for working on my thesis, to stroll through the park with a girlfriend and talk about dresses MADE OUT OF TOWELS. Because really, talking about towel-dresses would have been a waste of my time. I mean, I could have been prattling on about the magical new cocoa-butter lotion I had just procured. "Towels," I didn't say incredulously, and she was not like, "you know, it's a cute towely-dress," in her English accent. "Nope, I'm pretty sure that wearing a dress that looks like a towel is not cute," I did not reply. "YOU KNOW! It's like made out of washcloth material." "Oh, you mean terry cloth!" And she did not, absolutely not, continue to repeat that it was a "towel dress." And the other thing that's not true: this woman is totally not an expert in TEXTILES and COSTUME DESIGN. Nope, not at all. Also, I did not directly after this go and spend over half of a hundred dollars on a manicure and pedicure. Because, you know, I don't have time for all of this beauty crap.



2) At no point in the past week has anyone in my immediate or extended family said such a thing as "I NEED you to go to the store and get me some salsa this minute." And to really drive home the point said person did not add: "how can you always expect me to eat things that are dry, woman??! DRY?! I need to eat things that are wet sometimes." And I call myself a wife. What was I thinking?



3) Dude. It would have been really embarrassing had I thrown myself onto the ground in front of our real-estate broker when I found out that our perfect apartment was already rented. Furthermore, at no point during this painful process did I even think about laying there (on the floor) saying "ohh, ohh, I'm dying. My heart is broken. You made me cry..." And the broker was not like, "oh, don't cry," and did not look at my husband as if to say "GET YOUR CRAZY WIFE OFF THE FLOOR THIS INSTANT." And my husband did not shrug his shoulders meaning "what's the big deal, buddy? this happens like five times a day. You should see what happens if I leave a spot on kitchen counter after I lovingly make her coffee even though I don't drink coffee." This whole thing...that would have been a totally childish thing to do. And me? I would NEVER do something like that.